Category Archives: Leadership

Sometimes, Facebook is like Lord of the Flies

I remember the first time that social media became an issue in my ministry.

I got a call from the pastor who proceeded me at the congregation I was serving, asking for a meeting. His tone was serious, and even a bit apologetic. Of course, I obliged.

He showed up in my office and asked, “What do you want me to do about Facebook?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean, I’ve got members of this congregation. Members that you now serve, who are sending me friend requests on Facebook, and I don’t know what to do. I know ‘the rules’ about leaving a congregation: I’m supposed to back off and not be involved with things so that you can have a good ministry. And I want to do that. Really, I do. But these are also friends of mine, people I love and care about, and they’re asking me to be their friend on Facebook. So, what do you want me to do?”

In this age of digital communication, the boundaries have blurred. Not just in the realm of pastor-parishioner relationships, but everywhere. The expectations of easy communication continue to rise, and those expectations have created some old problems to rear their ugly heads.

We used to have boundaries figured out. But now, again, we don’t.

Social Media creates boundary problems

Don’t mishear me: I’m a big proponent of digital communication and social media. When I speak on Open Source Church, I spend an inordinate amount of time defending the basic premise that social media and communications technology has, in fact, changed the way we see, think, and interact with the world.

But I also spend time hearing confessions from folks for whom digital communication is not a first language about how out of it they feel and of how they are scared – yes, scared – that the use of this technology is going to ruin relationships. They tell stories of their children and grandchildren “holed up in their rooms.” They bemoan that they can’t get their kids and grandkids to answer the phone.

What I hear from people is that they see the use of digital technologies as ruining the ability to have a “real” relationship.

Now, I can point you to numerous books, blogs, and websites that address this phenomenon. This is well tread water, and I don’t need to get us all back in the pool. But I do want to remind us of it so that we can address the real issue I see creeping up on us. An issue that might just take us out if we’re not careful, and that is: social media creates boundary problems because many folks we are serving with don’t know how to interpret our communication.

I have a pastor friend who recently “liked” something on Facebook. It happened to be something politically liberal in nature. Of source, it showed up in her Facebook feed, and one of the people she serves (who resembles the people I described above) saw it and flipped out a bit. In response, said member posted something to the pastors wall and… well, you can see where something like this could head.

At issue is not necessarily that the particular pastor is a “liberal.” What is at issue is that the congregation member has no frame of reference for how to interpret that Facebook “like.”

Social Media has brought us to a place where many congregations are struggling to come to terms with a new way of being and living, particularly with how we communicate. Previously, the various outlets of pastoral communication were set. Everyone knew how to interpret the words a pastors said from the pulpit, and they understood that the words in a sermon will carry a different weight than the words in a newsletter article. Further, if they were hunched around the broken HVAC unit with the pastor, trying to determine whether to call in the electrician, the words out of the pastors mouth there would be given an entirely different context of meaning.

Different contexts make words mean different things to people, and the “problem” with the pastoral use of social media is that most of the people we have been called to serve don’t know yet how to interpret it.

I “got in trouble” for this all the time. I’d use my blog to tease out theories and ideas and you would have thought I was trying to get brought up on heresy charges. I’d post some snark to Facebook or Twitter, and my character would be questioned.

It was unreal. Accusations and foul behavior regularly ensued. It was like a re-run of Golding’s Lord of the Flies where the little boys became heinous behind their masks. Social media became a digital mask, and people showed up, true to form.

But I was able to manage it because I remembered one simple truth: Social Media is not a relationship. It is a tool for relationship.

Basic decency still applies

When Jesus is pressed for the most important part of the Law, he replies, “Love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. And the second one is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

If one purports to take the Bible seriously, then one would want to know what Jesus was meaning there. I am embarrassed to say that it was not until the last few years that I looked into the passage from Leviticus 19 that Jesus was referencing with the “love neighbor” thing. #pastorfail Here’s what I found:

Jesus was using “love your neighbor” as a shorthand reference to a section from Leviticus 19, that leads up to the exact phrase Jesus borrows. In reading it, I decided that the text was basically telling us that the way we love others as ourselves is by teaching them how to treat us. From verse 11 through 18, Leviticus commands us to live with decency, honesty, and integrity. We are particularly told to make sure others know what is and is not expected. “Reprimand your neighbor,” we are told. “Or you will be guilty yourself.” We are expected to insist that people treat one another well. This is a non-negotiable. And, while social media may exacerbate the issue, the same rules still apply.

Thinking back to my friend on Facebook and my own life, its clear to me that what is happeneing is people are confused about how to interpret a particular genera of communication, they’re scared/frustrated, and so they resort to childish behavior. Some general practices become clear when needing to handle difficult situation where integrity and decency are lacking.

  • Be clear on expectations. For instance, I always refer to my Facebook wall as “a party that I’ve having in my living room.” It’s okay for you to come and hang out. It’s okay for you to disagree with me or others. But it is not okay for you to be an ass. Everyone wants to have fun at a party, and if you’re making it so that others no longer want to come to my house for fear of being around you, then you will not be allowed in.
  • Be firm and consistent. Once the expectation has been set, don’t budge. Even if the offending party is your best friend. Don’t be afraid to call someone out for it. Often, I have found that a simple “Easy there, So-and-So” does the trick.
  • Don’t be afraid to block/unfriend/unfollow. As Carol says, “Facebook is suppose to be fun.” Repeated offenders will have had numerous warnings. If they show no signs of slowing, then is goodbye to them. Simple. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t look back.

At the end of the day, this Christian Faith thing we get to do is about right relationships. Please do not enable the bullies. Have a backbone and stand up for yourself and others, because if church leaders do not then who is going to?

(By the way, I told the pastor who asked me about Facebook that the fact that he was concerned enough to ask said to me that I didn’t have to worry about him and boundaries. I’m glad to report I was proven correct.)

Pecans and Pastors, continued

A reader writes, regarding yesterday’s post:

Congregations need to know that when they expect 60 hours a week out of their pastor, when they routinely call the pastor on their day off, when they burden the duties of all the work of programs and activities on their pastor…all of these things…it creates resentment and bitterness…

And when we’re resentful and bitter, we can’t be pastors, ministers, teachers, shepherds, or effective preachers of the gospel.

It’s frustrating because of the cultural expectations surrounding pastors. If we refuse to do this stuff, or try to create a culture where the congregation does it and we support, resource and cheer lead, then we are seen as lazy and not wanting to do our jobs. I actually saw something in the regional church newsletter that referred to the expectation that full-time = at least 50 hours per week, and a statement was attached that “our younger pastors squawk about it, but they just don’t have the work ethic we’re used to seeing in our older pastors.”

We’ve created a cultural dependence on our presence in the churches. We’re so afraid that the church will run just fine without us that we’ve made ourselves indispensable, creating a culture where we get burnt out and frustrated and bitter.

And that’s not good…for us as ministers or for the congregations that we serve.

To a certain extent, that absolutely matches my experience.

We agree about pecans, but not about pastors

I learned a couple of very important things over the weekend.

First, most of my Facebook friends agree that the correct pronunciation of the word “pecan” is “puh-CAHN”. There is some slight disagreement as to why it is pronounced that way, but (other than a few outliers) that seems to be the consensus, whether talking about the nut itself or the nut in a pie.

The second thing I learned is that there is little to no consensus on what constitutes “Full Time” when talking about the work of pastoral ministry. In the conversation on my profile, I rediscovered a wide chasm between what we think pastors should be doing, the amount of time we think they should be able to do it in, and the reasons why we think so.

In Open Source Church, I quoted a paper I was a part of writing, “Raising Up Leaders for the Mission of God.” In that paper we said,

The Bible describes a variety of forms of ministry leadership. Evangelists served a critical role as the early Christian church began to organize. In the Middle Ages, the pastor as mediator of sacramental grace became primary. The sixteenth and seventeenth century priesthood of all believers, among other things, elicited the pastor as preacher and pastor as ethical guide models. Around 1900 and with growing literacy new images and metaphors for pastoral ministry began to emerge, especially after the First World War. In no uniform order or pure forms, pastoral ministry models of professional educator, psychologist/counselor, agent of social change, and manager of the church surfaced as ideals. Recent research shows many congregants expect their pastor to master each of these models; to be an expert in each of these roles.

Clearly, we have a disconnect.

In an age in which I believe bi-vocationality will play a greater and greater role, I was interested in what others thought about the question of being a Full Time Pastor. Is it sustainable? Is it desirable? What could a pastor reasonably expect to get done in the time she was expected to work? What kind of work was she expected to do? I didn’t ask any of these questions (I just started the ball rolling and watched it roll down the hill), but they were all answered in some form or another.

There are many conclusions I want to draw from these answers, particularly about larger question of the nature and function of the congregation, but for now I want to center on one basic point:

Our general expectation of the working life of pastors belies the fact that Christians have either not been taught or have ignored teaching on Sabbath.

A few quick thoughts:

Pastors:
We need to both teach and model Sabbath. I’m not sure when we forgot this, but Sabbath is a commandment; a sign to Israel of The Covenant. When the people came out of Egypt, Sabbath was the first thing they were taught. “You are not slaves anymore,” they were told. “Once a week, nothing happens.” That was God talking, not just a good idea.

So we should regularly preach this First Commandment, and work it into our liturgies. We should teach classes on it, specifically, and make sure it infuses anything we say about the Abundant Life.

As well, take your days off and ALL of your vacation! Are we insane? Sustained activity with no break is detrimental to our health and well being. Plus, we kind of turn into a jerk when we’ve not had any time away. You know I’m dropping truth there, right?

Also, we should limit the time we spend on things that other people can probably do better than we can. Because how can we expect to be any good at the One Thing most people assume we’ve been called to do when our brains are mush? We’re the PREACHERS, for crying out loud. For many people in the pews, this is the One Thing we get to offer them. Do we honestly think those sermons we preach after the 60+ hour weeks we’ve had are any good? I’m here to tell you they’re not. That’s our first job and we’re failing at it.

Congregations:
YOU are the Body of Christ whom your pastors are to be building up and equipping to do the work of ministry. The fact has either been forgotten or ignored, but pastors are not the people who are hired to do the work that God has called The Church to do. Pastors are helpers and teachers (in my denomination, they are actually called “teaching elders”) set apart to help and guide.

I know people are crazy busy, but that may be part of the point (and the problem). I’m sure we pastors have not done a good enough job teaching about Sabbath, let alone modeling it (see above). I know that in most jobs, folks may have a harder time achieving work/personal balance. But I fail to see why expecting pastors to endure the same (if not more) crap as they would in a corporate job for less chance at good pay and advancement is fulfilling the promises that congregations make to care for them. If congregations expect the pastor to (at least) show them a glimpse of the Abundant Life, then why make it harder for them to do so?

This isn’t about a better contract or job description. This is about a change of heart and a desire to care for one another, not pawning off our responsibility to care for each other on the MDiv. A lot of pastors I know are willing to go many extra miles to make sure people are cared for. They’ll sit for hours and drink coffee with the retiree, and eat everyone’s pie at the church potluck. But they do these things because they’re loving souls, not because you require it in your employment notice.

Honestly, I have many opinions on how this can and should change, but, for now, at least we’ve established that whenever the pastor comes to a church potluck, she’ll be consuming “puh-CAHN” pie, right?

“As long as we reach one person…”

Any church leader who has been in charge of any kind of programming that is consistently showing a lack of success has said it. “As long as we reach one person, everything was worth it.”

Everything? Really?

To be sure, there are times when that is the case. We read the parable of the Good Shepherd going to find the one lost sheep and we feel justified doing what we’ve got to do to make sure that one person knows they are loved by God. But let’s be honest: That’s not usually what we’re talking about.

What we’re usually talking about is someone trying to justify performance in the face of what they consider unreasonable expectations. Jan Edmiston taught me that these can be classified as “how much, how often, and how many.”

Rightfully so, we find these kinds of measurements to be somewhat antithetical to the purposes God has for the Church. If the job of church leaders is to maximize attendance or contributions, certain kinds of choices will be made; choices that, more often than not, make a person feel comfortable and more likely to show up and give.

Yet, rather than try to “change the scorecard” we say that scorecards don’t matter.

But they do matter. They matter quite a bit. The only way that the Good Shepherd knew that the one sheep was lost was because the shepherd counted.

The “Moneyball” phenomenon showed us that there are objective things that coaches can pay attention to that will ensure better and better results for their teams. What are those for the church?

Because – Can we just say? – with the state of the world and it’s need for Christ’s Grace and Peace, reaching just one person isn’t good enough.

Pastors: “Go the F^(% Home”

Something I have been fond of saying to church professional types for a while is

If you’re working more than 40 hours a week, you’re doing it wrong.

Here’s the truth: Jesus came to set us free and show us the way to Abundant Life. If we were to judge by the life of most pastors (who are ostensibly in the know about this sort of thing) then – I gotta be honest – the Christian life is not a life I want. Pastors are stressed out all the time. You’re telling me that sacrificing myself is going to lead to an Abundance of Stress? No thank you.

I wrote about this a bit in Open Source Church, but this video by Pam the Webivore says it better than I ever could:

I may have a different set of reasoning than Pam, but you can’t deny that she’s right.